I am single and have been single for many years, I decided to dip my toe into the Dutch dating pool. This has been unique in many ways and most certainly a learning curve.
Here are the opinions from people around me on my single status and dating:
My mother:
- ‘I’m ready for you to have a boyfriend, honestly, I was ready years ago for you to have a boyfriend. I’ve accepted that you are a crazy cat lady and wont give me grandchildren but at least give me someone else I can write about in the Christmas card.’
My friends:
- ‘It could be that your standards are too high, have you considered having no standards?’
- ‘I have no idea why you put so much effort into your personal appearance when you’re single, seems a waste to me.’
- ‘For a lady whose had a complete stranger confess his love for her, I have no idea how or why you’re single’.
- ‘For my own sake, I hope that you don’t find a boyfriend because listening to your dating stories leaves me in fits laughter to the point of tears. Hearing your experiences are always the highlight my week when I speak to you’.
My colleagues
- ‘Dutch men like a challenge, I’m surprised you’re single.’
- ‘We’ve been asking around the office for you to see whose single and we’ve been putting out feelers for you.’ – I choked on my coffee when I heard this and then had to explain the, ‘you don’t sh!t where you eat’ theory. They laughed at this and assured me they are still on the look out, much to my horror.
My approach to dating
I recently watched on the Netflix Iliza Shlesinger – War Paint. This is hilarious on many levels and really explains the female approach to dating perfectly. I think that single men would benefit from watching this, just to have little bit more of helping hand with setting their own dating expectations.
My approach is probably described as a guys/male mentality to dating. Im really relaxed, I absolutely don’t rush anything, I refuse to ever make the first move (unmale like, I know) on all levels and Im fiercely independent. I’m quite happy not to message a guy for days at a time. Guys need to chase me. I’m married to my job, I work long hours and am at my desk by 06:20 most mornings. I friendzone everyone as a starting point. If I like someone, I try my absolute best to put them off. I divulge and exaggerate my faults and if they hang around, they are probably worth a chance. I think if someone can accept my faults, they will be pleasantly surprised with my strengths. I know I’m a catch with a fantastic sense of humour and a fun imagination but I’m absolutely going to make the guy work for it (which I’m very honest about). It’s setting expectations from the beginning, there will always be elements of me that are awkward and difficult.
I thought I was really hard work and high maintenance before dating in the Netherlands, just look at the above. My experiences with Dutch women are that they like to be in utter control of every aspect of their relationships and their boyfriends lives. They expect guys to constantly text them, speak to their partners in a belittling way and not as equal (this can be regularly seen in any grocery store), manage every aspect of the guys life and are generally onerous. It reminds me of a strict mother with a 3-year-old, ‘you will do this’ and the 3 year old does it but instead it’s with a grown man. Turns out compared to a native woman, I’m super easy, relaxed and no effort at all. You’d think given my new ‘no effort’ status, it would be no problem finding a Dutch boyfriend, er, yeah, not quite. There are a lot of very humourous blogs about expat dating in the Netherlands. Here are a few that I could relate to and made me laugh:
How to Attract Dutch Men – I break 4 of these rules
Five Differences Between British and Dutch Men – Stereotyped but true on many levels
The Netherlands and Dating: 6 things about dating the Dutch – Straight forward and apt
Lessons learnt dating in the Netherlands
Dutch guys: Lets start with the obvious, they are a entire breed of Zebra of their own. Three things that I almost instantly notice about Dutch guys: hair gel, cologne and grey socks. The amount of hair gel Dutch men seem to use, ensures that when light hits their hair, you have to instantly look away not to be permanently blinded by the shine. I also think this is a potential fire hazard but fear for my own safety to ever test this theory. Cologne, I can only imagine that it’s purchased by the litre, as it seems as though they bath in it. Sometimes the cologne is so strong that you need to hold your breath, to stop from gagging on the overwhelming smell. It reminds me of the skunk from Looney Tunes, Pepé Le Pew, who leaves a path of fumes where-ever he goes. Grey socks, like brown shoes, are the choice of the Dutch man. Given how the clothing choices can be less than exciting, I’m always secretly hopeful that they will show some of sort of fun with their socks, so far I am yet to be pleasantly surprised.
Apps: Being a young(ish) person, dating apps seem the way to go. I’ve been on my fair share and still have a semi-active profile. I’ve chatted to and met a number of guys from apps. There seems to be two types of Dutch guys on the apps, those who simply want to chat and will never meet (but fail to tell you this or admit it) and those who will meet you but want to do it instantly before they even know how to pronounce your name or you are able to determine what colour socks they wear. If you can find someone in the middle, well done! What I enjoy about apps are the profiles, the really honest ones that are so straightforward that it’s weird and bordering on cringeworthy. Dont get me wrong, there are hundreds if not thousands of really bad profiles but they’re boring and instantly forgettable, by the time you’ve swiped left, you’ve already forgotten them. I also appreciate honest messages that make you giggle and cringe. Here are two examples, one straightforward cringey profile and another of a message that I received. I did not swipe right on the profile despite its directness and honesty or making me laugh, nor did I respond to the message even though I do smell nice.
Dating: I know I shouldn’t admit this but I enjoy dating, even if it goes off path. Dutch men like to go to the cinema, which seems odd to me, given that there is little opportunity to talk during a film, fine if you’re like on date 3+ but for an initial date, it seems, odd. My preferred date is a place (museum, exhibit, zoo, etc), as it’s a great way to see what levels of commonality that you. If you have nothing in common, at least you have something else to look at, things around you that create conversation and you’re not just stuck looking awkward across the table from someone. I have also had several moments of ‘Dutch directness’ where I literally thought to myself, ‘did he seriously just say that?!?’. These instances covered topics from personal looks and appearance, being a foreigner, speaking the language, to random other things. I’ve found in these situations its best to smile and change the subject quickly, some things are best ignored. Or at least ignored until I chat to my friends about it and we laugh about it, a lot. Luckily I do a good enough job vetting the guys (making them prove they deserve a date) before I meet them that I haven’t had any truly horrific dates, just a couple of quite awkward ones where I politely decline a second date.
Whatsapp : The death of conversations. The dating world is obsessed with Whatsapp, I am less so. Normally within three app messages from a guy, I get ‘add me on Whatsapp, my number is X.’ This is the point where I politely decline. Sadly I have made the mistake several times of adding individuals on the Whap and regretted it pretty quickly. The Whap has taught me that Dutch men get needy pretty quickly, I can only imagine this is as a result of dating Dutch women and the expectation is set that they must text frequently with checkins. As stated above, Im really good at not instantly replying or not sending messages for days at a time. My lack of instant response drives Dutch guys nuts to the point that I get messages that say, ‘I can see you’re online, why aren’t you replying to me?’, ‘I can see you’ve read my message, do you have no response?’ and ‘why aren’t you messaging me?’. These are a of the few examples of messages Ive received, it’s just too needy to me. I could never imagine sending anyone such messages, we’re all adults, we all have lives, we work, nothings on fire, we’re not in a defined relationship, like what’s the rush? The next backward step seems to be that you can have somewhat of a proper conversation over an app and once you move to the Whap, it’s like guys now expect the female to create every conversation and provide one word responses. I think this could relate back Dutch girls dictating how the conversation will go and just seeking acknowledgement of what shes saying rather than a two way conversation. My experience is that Whatsapp is the killer of conversations because of either the expectation that I need constant messaging and I will respond instantly or the guys lack of ability to have a in-depth conversations.
These experiences have made dating in the Netherlands, interesting, unique and different. I think that it helps/hampers that I’m generally happy in my life, I have no interest to change who I am (or how frequently I respond to messages) or to be with someone for the sake of it. I have met and dated some nice guys, blocked a few numbers, made a few friends and even turned down opportunities to have relationships. Since dating in the Netherlands, my own ideas of what I thought I wanted and needed have changed entirely. I’m in the best head space with dating Ive been in years, I’m aware and honest with what I want and what my expectations are. I also believe that if something is meant to be, it will, no matter what the differences are that we might have. I have no doubt that I will continue to have experiences that I will find humourous in the strangest of ways and honestly, I dont mind, as long as Im laughing.
Adventures of a Cat Lady 