Ageing disgracefully

Birthdays, I’ve always enjoyed celebrating other peoples but never my own. Theres something great about everyone else getting old around you, sadly the same sentiment doesn’t lie within adding another candle to my cake.

A few things about me:

• I’ve lived a very privileged life (even though I don’t admit it often)
• I have many many regrets but I believe its through these that I’ve learnt many life lessons
• I’ve lived in 4 countries, have visited at least 17 countries and have 2 passports
• I swear, a lot, I have the potty mouth that would make a seasoned sailor blush
• I’ve had some truly amazing friendships and relationships that failed because of me
• I’m a crazy cat lady, by choice (ish)
• The older I get the better I am at apologising and admitting/taking fault
• I often take life far to seriously and forget to just breathe and relax and there is a good possibility that I don’t smile enough – think Wednesday Adams

This is a big year for me, I’ve turned 35, and to me 35 isn’t just 35. 35 means 40, 40 means 50, 50 means 60 and so on. It’s a young unassuming birthday that has milestones for me.

A few years ago, I realised that if I was going to have children, I wanted to have them before I turned 35. Whilst I appreciate and understand other people have children at all ages, I knew it wasn’t something that I wanted for myself. Over the last two years, I’ve become more conscious of the fact that I won’t be a parent and that my cut off was coming. It hasn’t been difficult for me to accept because I knew it was coming and took the years to come to terms with it but it still feels like a very big moment. My mother, however, is not quite so understanding. We all put pressure on ourselves to be the best versions of ourselves and not to let our parents down. It’s difficult to manage the expectations of your parents, when they don’t match your reality.

My friend recently said to me, ‘darling when we get to this age, we have to accept that men come with baggage’. I grew up where the tradition was to marry at 18 to your high school sweetheart and then procreate. I never wanted that and I clearly managed to avoid it, somewhat. However, she has a point, once people are into their 30s/40s, they tend to have kids from previous relationships or emotional baggage from previous relationships. To be fair, I’m divorced, come with a cat and a very sassy attitude (but apparently I’m funny). I had a stage in my 20s where I needed to be single and to discover myself and not be in a relationship, it really did me the world of good. However, now I’ve been single for so long (more years than I care to admit) that having a relationship frightens me. Im quite stuck in my ways and routine now and having to change that, Christ… Which means that my standards are now super high, if I find a guy that makes me want to change my routine, hes got to be pretty bloody amazing, queue unrealistic expectations. I think my list of requirements gets less with age and is now about, ‘someone who makes me happy’, which sounds incredibly simplistic but is anything but.

Some days I just feel lost, I mean at 35, I really should have my shit together, right?

Life is battles and wars and you learn which ones are worth the fight. Its learning which battles are worth the fight and which ones are just utterly pointless. I’m so glad that I’m out of thinking everything is worth a fight, Im not sure if its laziness or lack of interest but Id rather walk away than fight, there are enough dicks in the world, without needing to be another one.

I don’t have a bucket list but I do know things that I’d really like to do, for me its deciding if I want to do them on my own or if I want to wait and find someone to make the memory with.

Honestly, I hated my 20s, the older I get the more I seem to be able to enjoy life, so I suppose it’s not all doom and gloom, saggyness and wrinkles. I seem to have fallen into a career that I can even occasionally sometimes sound like a true professional, which to me is scary and I even sometimes enjoy it.

I think I will always under value sell myself, I don’t see this as a bad thing. Set expectations low and then everything else is a pleasant surprise. I do know my strengths and I know that I have a lot of them but no one likes a cocky knowitall, even if it is about yourself.

I know I’m being dramatic and really its come and gone (I had a nice day with new friends), I have another 364 days in the year of being 35. I honestly have no idea what 35 will bring me, I’m not so secretly hoping its more mellow than 34. I guess I will continue to wander my path of pretending to be a confident adult until I actually become one. 🙂

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”                 -Harriet Tubman